gobo_projection | IC INBOX

Mmm. Yes- for the Fog, the important thing is that humans keep suffering for what their ancestors did. Or at least what they apparently did. There's stories about how the Fog might've also killed Day and Night where she didn't have to, and maybe that's sort of true..? I mean... ...The Day and Night did some pretty mean stuff too. There's the bugs, whose first Queen used to be human...there's Mana, who's all cursed and has to kill her boyfriend when he's grown up again...there's the Silent Forest, which almost broke out, but then me and my friends sealed it again...

[..........................This is an impressive list.

In the background, the protagonist on screen is fussing over the best gift to get someone.]

For a machine like that...what would happen if there were pieces that just didn't really scare anyone, or get scared though, you think?

Usually, the ones who don't get scared would disappear.

[Yugi.

He sits back, leaning his weight on his hands, which prop him up behind him.]

If they're still here, and they don't do any scaring, though...

...

[He sighs.]

...then, they're part of what keeps the system sustainable. After all, if you only experience pain and fear that never stops....then, you get numb to it. Letting a victim rest, then renewing the pain...lets the torture go on longer, and it ensures the suffering stays sharp.

[Take it from him.]

The pieces that don't cause suffering take care of that part. It's why there are breaks, between fogs.

[Reira stares. She stares, and after a long, slow blink-]

...You asked me if my house was safe.

Do you believe me, when I say it is?

I think it's mostly safe.

...

[Let him clarify.]

I think that, if someone who had Ryslig's attention were to live here...circumstances would find a way to make them leave its safety. They'd leave of their own volition [baby Ryou,] or get a message asking them to come to Bavan. They'd get hurt, but, the fault wouldn't lie in Hill House.

And, of course, things like the bugs and the storyteller can get us wherever we are. There's no protection that will work against that.

But...as long as I'm here, I'm safe from most things.

[Oh...

Reira looks sad- incredibly so. Tilting her head, and looking down...she sighs.]

...Whether it's a machine or not... ...If I thought, 'as long as I'm inside, I'll be safe,' I would never leave. I'd never be able to do anything like go to school, or visit people I like...

...I think, in a way, that would be like being trapped somewhere still. A smaller cage, but...also a worse one, maybe. Like I'm ignoring everything outside that could ever be bad, or pretending everything outside could only ever be 'bad'.

[She is quiet for a moment.

And then, slowly, she moves to remove a ribbon from around her neck.

There is a scar there. Around the full diameter of the neck, ragged, messy, old. She has always covered it.] ...Bad things...Terrible things, happen. It's not okay. It's never okay. To be hurt, to see others hurt, to know others hurt.

...Part of why I don't talk about things like that, is because when you do, people hurt each other more. Maybe there's a machine. Maybe there isn't one. I want to think it's okay for Ryslig to just exist- if it can't just exist, I don't know where I can go in the end. This is my home- just as much as anyone who's been born here sees it as home. ...but, no matter what, if I said...'it's only ever pain'...

[Reira turns, and it's to the movie. Still playing, now to a cheerful tune.] ...You, and Sonic too...

...I don't know what I can say. The world is dangerous. It's messy.

...I wish I could help enough that the good in the world at least mattered more again. ...I miss when we could try to share that message instead.

[He takes in the scar, but...

...it doesn't really hurt him, to see it. It's old. It's Reira. She's a kid, she's elastic. She clearly bounced back.]

Ryslig isn't like other places, Reira.

There aren't many worlds where something designed to hurt us, something that uses information from our past, happens so often, so regularly. And, there's the strange coincidences, too...out of all the times I could run into people, it seems to be the most, or least, convenient. My powers don't work when I need them most. Others' get taken away, too...so that they can be hurt more effectively.

This might be your home. There might be good things, here. It might even be better than where you're from! But...

...you deserve to live somewhere that doesn't hurt you that way. [He nods at the scar.] Somewhere you don't have to worry about being kidnapped, or the secrets in your heart being used to hurt you. Just because it isn't as bad as some places...doesn't mean it's right.

[He straightens, to a cross-legged position, and looks down.]

It doesn't mean that this place won't break the people you love, who don't, or can't, navigate it like you do. And you won't be able to do a thing to stop it.

[Reira holds the necklace in her hands. She looks intently to Atem, and listens carefully to his every word.]

...I deserve to make 'home' a better place to live, [she whispers seriously, not looking away even as she shakes her head.] ...Because even broken, I won't stop fixing. I won't stop helping, or housing, or fighting.

...Even if it looks like I'm not doing anything at all. Because people have always lived here, and deserve to live better here too.

[With the tilt of her head, she gives a sad, broken smile.] ....I'm going to say something...and it's going to feel mean. ...but if I thought the way you did at home, when the end was coming...

Then the end would still be coming. And coming, and coming, over, and over. Because that was the rules.

...But I didn't like those rules- and even if it was because I didn't think I was a person, with a soul, who deserved to live, it meant I could say 'then I won't follow that rule'.

The chance is hard to find- it's not breaking. It's just a hole. ...But if I found one then, then I'll find it here, even if it takes me a long, long time.

[The smile breaks more, and she looks down.] ...And if it costs what it did at home... ...It'll be worth it, then. ...Even if I'd hope someone else paid it, there's a reason I had to pay it then too.

[He feels heavy, as he listens to that. What wouldn't he give, either, if he knew it would ensure escape...? He'd hesitate, before handing his life over, and he probably wouldn't trust that it wasn't a trick, at this point! It would take a lot -- a lot -- to convince him it would work.

But, if he could be assured of the trade...

...it would be tempting.]

There's no not following these rules, Reira. They can't be broken, here.

At least, not by us.

Not for us.

Just against us -- and for the monsters who like to cause pain.

[He stares at the pattern of the pillow beneath him, his eyes distant.]

I thought I could use that...I thought that was the price of making sure plans would work.

But I was just...used.

....Then...can't you trust that someone else can?

[It's a strange thing to hear perhaps, after everything else. She goes on though, leaning back herself.]

...I can't do everything. And that's okay. You can't either. That's okay. If you're tired, you rest. If you've tried everything, you take a break....even if that means not trying for a really long time.

[Reira is waiting, she said. She didn't say what that meant.]

...you know...we didn't even have a portal that goes home at all, a few years ago. ...Didn't know the sea of stars existed either. Or what was outside the peninsula. And sometimes those things had a cost. ....but sometimes...they also didn't.

I think, we really have made things change just a little- but the thing is...other people did that stuff. I'm out of ideas too. I can't do anything big anymore- people get hurt, [she emphasizes seriously.] But...

Without even asking, other people can still try after us. And if you can trust me to keep you safe here in my house, I think we can trust that even if it's not now, even if it takes some time...Someone who can break those rules, even just a little more, will appear.

...Atem. If the rules tricked you back...we need to not think about those rules, then. It's okay to just do what we need, and what makes us happy, in small amounts. We don't have to be afraid of that.

[He curls up, bringing his knees to his chest.

Someone who can break the rules...

Someone on the outside.

He doesn't think Kaiba can't do it. What Atem doesn't trust is how long it'll take him to do it.]

...I don't have that kind of time.

[His thighs are pressing tight to his chest, a little ball of cow with all its soft bits, its weak bits, curled in in the vain hope that that will protect them.]

The last bad thing that happened to me...the last few, actually....

They've been bad.

I've started to have periods I can't remember. They don't happen often, but in July...I killed someone, in that state. So badly their body wasn't even identifiable. And, the last time I was badly hurt...

...I don't know how long it was before I came back to myself. My friends found me wandering around the city.

There's a limit to what the mind can take, Reira, before it starts acting to protect itself. It erases its own memory of bad things. But that means, the next time something really bad happens, I...

...

[He's scared. Even with all the powers he's amassed, to know they can be taken away at any time, and he might wake up goodness knows where, having done god knows what...]

I can't wait years. I'm already losing myself, to what this place does to me.

[And that's not even getting into the thorny problem of Ryou Bakura.]

[Reira is very good at lying with her face, for someone who refuses to lie with her mouth. She listens to Atem's words and manages to react only barely when the timing of his blackout, the description of his wandering, comes forward- her eyes open but slightly more, and she finds herself staring.

Glancing to the side, she admits-] ....For me... ...When I was little, I stopped feeling things, to avoid being hurt like that. ...I think, that might be why I can't remember a lot. Instead of being hurt, I just didn't feel anything. ...but now there's nothing to find to bring the memory back.

...Atem.

[She hesitates to say this, but when she does, she leans a bit closer, trying to reach for the other if he'll reach back.]

...if you could remember what happened...would you want to?

[He doesn't reach back -- not immediately. Instead, he looks away. Because there's really only one answer, but it's complicated.]

...I don't.

Not the part that -- made me go away in my mind. ...not the end of what he did.

[He doesn't know that she knows it involves his heart. He doesn't remember the excellent advice she gave him, about Mana. His mind erased it by accident, in its unstable, frightened state. But he doesn't feel the need to elaborate -- he doesn't know what occurred after his heart was removed]

Some things...things like that...it's okay to avoid them, if experiencing them won't help anybody, and will only spread the pain to you.

[He's told himself this a lot, this week.]

If I could...I'd like to know who else I bit, besides Cervo. In case they've been biding their time...in case they're still angry with me.

[That, that has meaning. That's productive. That's an early warning of things to come.]

But I don't want to remember the parts that hurt.

[Reira nods. She's not sure what she should, or shouldn't bring up from that time- especially considering the reasoning behind what occurred. But, she can at least think about helping. About...doing something.]

Sometimes it's nice to not know. ...But, sometimes, it's important to remember why we forgot something, so that we can make sure it never happens. Mnh. ...Even so...

...Since I'm a goblin, I can go into dreams, and things. Sometimes...since dreams are just memories all jumbled up a bunch, we remember stuff in there, but not when we're awake. You can find a lot of hidden things in dreams, probably.

...So... ...if you wanted, I could try and find what you wanted to remember at least. ...And just that part. Otherwise...

...I know it takes coins, but...if something hurts too much- there might be something Mana can do. ...She helped me with a lot of things- some of them even for free. So...it's always good to ask.

[...

Can Reira really pull out his lost memories...? Are they even still in his mind, or were they erased permanently?

Atem doesn't have that answer. Maybe he could find out.

Maybe that'd be useful to know, for later.

He's still thinking this over when Reira goes on and says, there might be something Mana can do, if something hurts too much.]

I have some coins. I could see what she'll give me, for them -- to make it so that things don't hurt as much. If I could turn off my feelings, so that I couldn't be upset, or angry, no matter what was happening to my body...

[He thinks he prefers that to outright forgetting. Being able to control what he can and can't remember is all well and good, but he'd have to decide after the fact, and it wouldn't stop the damage as it was happening to him. Besides, he might erase something important, or useful later.]

Mnh! I think...If it was even something like, 'make sure it can't be so bad I forget things', or something like that, she'd know what to do...

But um, if you want to try the other thing...Tell me, ok?

[A pause, and she looks aside at the tv.]

...I don't think I picked a good movie for us, anyway. ...Sorry....

[He nods. Maybe not...right now, but...maybe they could try it, if she's any good at it. And, he can ask Mana for something that keeps things from being so bad that he forgets things...if she'd really know what to do with something like that.]

That's okay. Having it on is fine...

[The background noise makes Atem feel like it's less likely anyone else heard them talk about this. It's white noise, it's reassuring in silences. So, the way he says "fine" is less damning-with-faint-praise than it might be in a different tone.]

...have you tried it before? Getting memories back through dreams.

[Well at least there's that then. With a slow, slow repeating nod, she can focus on Atem.]

Mnnh...I've been in dreams before, but I've never tried to get memories out. ...But, I won't know until I try, right?

....

If you do it...

...you should practice, first. With something less painful. You should get good at finding normal memories through dreams before you try to find things I've suppressed.

[Reira blinks, and then tilts her head.]

....Do you think it'll hurt me too much?

Even while in Felfri, nothing came close to the worst I've ever felt... ...and that was a whole warzone, full of pain, anger...hate...

[She frowns.] ...Or...do you think, I could ruin something? Make you remember something you didn't want to remember? [That one feels more likely. It makes more sense, at least.]

[...he nods at the latter one.]

I don't want to remember what I blocked out. That's what he wanted. He wanted to hurt me. Forgetting...means he doesn't get everything he wants.

So, until you can make memory-dreams precise enough to help me remember the part after that, without bringing back the -- the rest of the surgery...

...

[His words aren't working right. Let him begin again.]

I think you should start with something less dangerous.

[Ohhhhh...

Well. With a serious matter like that- Reira nods, and then nods again.] Mnh- got it..!

Um.

...

...I don't know who to ask to practice on though...

[But she also clearly wants to practice so she can help...]

....

Do you know anyone with a lot of good memories...?

[He's not including himself! He has some good memories, but not "a lot." Not proportionally.]

[There is. A wince.]

...not a lotta people think like that here, at least not other monsters. I don't wanna really try anything with a human, in case there's something weird that could be different.

Maybe someone new to here...

[He's Trying...]

[Reira grimaces pretty fast.]

...That's definitely not how it works. Mnh. Maybe I should just find someone who thinks they're definitely happy. They probably wouldn't have memories that 'feel' bad at least...

IC INBOX

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cw torture discussion sorry reira

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CW: talk of past dehumanizing thoughts, potentially suicidal themes

more self-sacrifice/suicide themes! two of them!!

two of them....

big, big cw for blackouts, dissociation, trauma responses

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cw medical horror in meta

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cw allusion to medical horror, trauma

wahs softly

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WELCOME TO YOUR PRIVATE CHANNEL, CCC-REDHORSE. FOR SECURE COMMUNICATION, USE 134.64.202.69 * CCC-REDHORSE has joined 134.64.202.69 <CCC-REDHORSE> This is Reira Akaba! <CCC-REDHORSE>I'll try to answer you but sometimes I'm busy or sleeping, so I don't think about the message right away. <CCC-REDHORSE>**(I might note old stuff down too...)