gobo_projection | IC INBOX

[He curls up, bringing his knees to his chest.

Someone who can break the rules...

Someone on the outside.

He doesn't think Kaiba can't do it. What Atem doesn't trust is how long it'll take him to do it.]

...I don't have that kind of time.

[His thighs are pressing tight to his chest, a little ball of cow with all its soft bits, its weak bits, curled in in the vain hope that that will protect them.]

The last bad thing that happened to me...the last few, actually....

They've been bad.

I've started to have periods I can't remember. They don't happen often, but in July...I killed someone, in that state. So badly their body wasn't even identifiable. And, the last time I was badly hurt...

...I don't know how long it was before I came back to myself. My friends found me wandering around the city.

There's a limit to what the mind can take, Reira, before it starts acting to protect itself. It erases its own memory of bad things. But that means, the next time something really bad happens, I...

...

[He's scared. Even with all the powers he's amassed, to know they can be taken away at any time, and he might wake up goodness knows where, having done god knows what...]

I can't wait years. I'm already losing myself, to what this place does to me.

[And that's not even getting into the thorny problem of Ryou Bakura.]

[Reira is very good at lying with her face, for someone who refuses to lie with her mouth. She listens to Atem's words and manages to react only barely when the timing of his blackout, the description of his wandering, comes forward- her eyes open but slightly more, and she finds herself staring.

Glancing to the side, she admits-] ....For me... ...When I was little, I stopped feeling things, to avoid being hurt like that. ...I think, that might be why I can't remember a lot. Instead of being hurt, I just didn't feel anything. ...but now there's nothing to find to bring the memory back.

...Atem.

[She hesitates to say this, but when she does, she leans a bit closer, trying to reach for the other if he'll reach back.]

...if you could remember what happened...would you want to?

[He doesn't reach back -- not immediately. Instead, he looks away. Because there's really only one answer, but it's complicated.]

...I don't.

Not the part that -- made me go away in my mind. ...not the end of what he did.

[He doesn't know that she knows it involves his heart. He doesn't remember the excellent advice she gave him, about Mana. His mind erased it by accident, in its unstable, frightened state. But he doesn't feel the need to elaborate -- he doesn't know what occurred after his heart was removed]

Some things...things like that...it's okay to avoid them, if experiencing them won't help anybody, and will only spread the pain to you.

[He's told himself this a lot, this week.]

If I could...I'd like to know who else I bit, besides Cervo. In case they've been biding their time...in case they're still angry with me.

[That, that has meaning. That's productive. That's an early warning of things to come.]

But I don't want to remember the parts that hurt.

[Reira nods. She's not sure what she should, or shouldn't bring up from that time- especially considering the reasoning behind what occurred. But, she can at least think about helping. About...doing something.]

Sometimes it's nice to not know. ...But, sometimes, it's important to remember why we forgot something, so that we can make sure it never happens. Mnh. ...Even so...

...Since I'm a goblin, I can go into dreams, and things. Sometimes...since dreams are just memories all jumbled up a bunch, we remember stuff in there, but not when we're awake. You can find a lot of hidden things in dreams, probably.

...So... ...if you wanted, I could try and find what you wanted to remember at least. ...And just that part. Otherwise...

...I know it takes coins, but...if something hurts too much- there might be something Mana can do. ...She helped me with a lot of things- some of them even for free. So...it's always good to ask.

[...

Can Reira really pull out his lost memories...? Are they even still in his mind, or were they erased permanently?

Atem doesn't have that answer. Maybe he could find out.

Maybe that'd be useful to know, for later.

He's still thinking this over when Reira goes on and says, there might be something Mana can do, if something hurts too much.]

I have some coins. I could see what she'll give me, for them -- to make it so that things don't hurt as much. If I could turn off my feelings, so that I couldn't be upset, or angry, no matter what was happening to my body...

[He thinks he prefers that to outright forgetting. Being able to control what he can and can't remember is all well and good, but he'd have to decide after the fact, and it wouldn't stop the damage as it was happening to him. Besides, he might erase something important, or useful later.]

Mnh! I think...If it was even something like, 'make sure it can't be so bad I forget things', or something like that, she'd know what to do...

But um, if you want to try the other thing...Tell me, ok?

[A pause, and she looks aside at the tv.]

...I don't think I picked a good movie for us, anyway. ...Sorry....

[He nods. Maybe not...right now, but...maybe they could try it, if she's any good at it. And, he can ask Mana for something that keeps things from being so bad that he forgets things...if she'd really know what to do with something like that.]

That's okay. Having it on is fine...

[The background noise makes Atem feel like it's less likely anyone else heard them talk about this. It's white noise, it's reassuring in silences. So, the way he says "fine" is less damning-with-faint-praise than it might be in a different tone.]

...have you tried it before? Getting memories back through dreams.

[Well at least there's that then. With a slow, slow repeating nod, she can focus on Atem.]

Mnnh...I've been in dreams before, but I've never tried to get memories out. ...But, I won't know until I try, right?

....

If you do it...

...you should practice, first. With something less painful. You should get good at finding normal memories through dreams before you try to find things I've suppressed.

[Reira blinks, and then tilts her head.]

....Do you think it'll hurt me too much?

Even while in Felfri, nothing came close to the worst I've ever felt... ...and that was a whole warzone, full of pain, anger...hate...

[She frowns.] ...Or...do you think, I could ruin something? Make you remember something you didn't want to remember? [That one feels more likely. It makes more sense, at least.]

[...he nods at the latter one.]

I don't want to remember what I blocked out. That's what he wanted. He wanted to hurt me. Forgetting...means he doesn't get everything he wants.

So, until you can make memory-dreams precise enough to help me remember the part after that, without bringing back the -- the rest of the surgery...

...

[His words aren't working right. Let him begin again.]

I think you should start with something less dangerous.

[Ohhhhh...

Well. With a serious matter like that- Reira nods, and then nods again.] Mnh- got it..!

Um.

...

...I don't know who to ask to practice on though...

[But she also clearly wants to practice so she can help...]

....

Do you know anyone with a lot of good memories...?

[He's not including himself! He has some good memories, but not "a lot." Not proportionally.]

[There is. A wince.]

...not a lotta people think like that here, at least not other monsters. I don't wanna really try anything with a human, in case there's something weird that could be different.

Maybe someone new to here...

[He's Trying...]

[Reira grimaces pretty fast.]

...That's definitely not how it works. Mnh. Maybe I should just find someone who thinks they're definitely happy. They probably wouldn't have memories that 'feel' bad at least...

...[He nods.]

That might work. Do we know anyone who's happy...?

[.......................................................A wince.]

...................Oh. Um.

[........................she can't be serious.]

...Well I can't use me...

[Oh no. She's serious.] ...but....if everyone even still feels a little like what they did all over the city before, in Felfri....then. Um. There's not really...

[OH NO]

....

....

[ ):

Atem reaches out and takes her hand. It's meant to be a comforting gesture in a truly helpless situation. At least they're friends, even if everybody is unhappy.]

Felfri was worse than here, for a lot of people.

[It's not much, but it's not a lie!]

Mmmmh... [Well. She takes that hand, even if she's still a bit upset about it.] ...I just don't want to not help either...

...but even if I ask someone who lives here, it might not work the same with monsters...

...we can look for someone, with a lot of good memories...or, who doesn't mind their bad ones being seen.

If it's someone who's okay no matter what the memory is, that would work..! ...Mnnh.

I don't know how to ask that without starting a bunch of fights on the network though...and then I'll just have a headache.

...Emily Grey?

[That's someone who'd be okay, no matter what the memory was.]

[That.

...Huh.] ...Oh.

...She'd probably be really excited to try it too huh...

[Surely that wouldn't backfire!]

It's worth a try!

If you get good at it...good enough at separating the memories I want back from the ones that should stay forgotten...

...then, you can try it on me.

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gobo_projection - 2023-01-22 15:23 (UTC) - Expand

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big, big cw for blackouts, dissociation, trauma responses

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cw medical horror in meta

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cw allusion to medical horror, trauma

wahs softly

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WELCOME TO YOUR PRIVATE CHANNEL, CCC-REDHORSE. FOR SECURE COMMUNICATION, USE 134.64.202.69 * CCC-REDHORSE has joined 134.64.202.69 <CCC-REDHORSE> This is Reira Akaba! <CCC-REDHORSE>I'll try to answer you but sometimes I'm busy or sleeping, so I don't think about the message right away. <CCC-REDHORSE>**(I might note old stuff down too...)